Sometimes I really don't know what to do with my life. I mean I'm following this path I've picked out, but so many decisions keep popping up along the way. There are days when I really wonder if I'm making the right choice or not. Other days I wonder if I'm a good person when I think about the decisions I've made. Times like these I wish that someone would just tell me what to do so that I can follow along to some happy ending.

Love and Peace

summer vacation is coming up. well, that's an exaggeration since it's only April but it sure as hell feels like it. for the first time, i'm kinda stumped as to where to go for vacation.

it's kind of sad in a way because it's only been 2 vacations. i guess it's because i don't want to visit the same places again that i'm stumped. i've always had ideas about where i would like to go. i still do have these ideas but, despite having this new job, it just doesn't seem to work out. i think it's because it's boiling down to the same old issue: money.

i COULD do these vacations/road trips but it'll cost me good. i would only have 50$ to spend per week in order to save up enough money and that's if nothing happens in between. it's got me frustrated and sad. makes me just wanna scrap the whole idea because i don't know what the hell i should do or go and it's not like anyone else is giving me any reasonable ideas. hopefully fb ppl will give me something...

i just feel frustrated because despite the slight pay raise, money is still slowly creeping it's way up to savings. i mean i do have savings retirement wise but it's something i cant touch. i am getting stuff outta my paychecks, new games and whatnot but i guess i'm just more focused on the vacation now because it's coming up in July.

it really does stress me out. i'm sure ppl will tell me it's supposed to be fun and just take whatever comes. that's great advice and all except you're not the one always planning for every outting. you're also not the one that has to figure out how things will fall together financially.

i guess i hit another sore spot in that i'm getting irritated at just planning things in general. but what's new? not like anyone else wants to step up to the plate. i just get the questions but no ones ever willing to supply the answers. sometimes i wonder why the hell do i do this and torture myself so that a good time can be had in the end. really makes me feel stupid.

Love and Peace

Can You Break Open an Oyster?

this weekend was pretty awesome. we decided last min to attend anime matsuri. considering that i havent been to a con in...6 years i think... it went pretty darn well. it is one of the bigger cons and i ended up going home with a lot more stuff than i had intended on getting, but i'm still glad for the experience. for the next anime matsuri or big name con, i really hope i can rent a hotel room for the weekend. yes, it's still in houston and i can drive back and forth from home to the con, but i'd prefer not to drive back at 9pm because i wanted to see the 8pm event -_- ' that's probably the only regret that i had at the con, but it couldn't be helped.

also had a bbq at hieu's place this weekend. i now have diarrhea >.< lol but not because the food was bad! just because i stuffed my face haha. it was another game weekend which is something i always enjoyed. it was much more chill than our usual ones where everything is rushed.

as far as the food was concerned, it was phenomenal. the only thing, however, is that im not much of a seafood person. i can eat crab, lobster, some fish, and shrimp if it's cooked in a certain way. i am definitely not a fan of raw seafood because once you go fish parasites, you cant go back. that being said...i didn't realize i'd have so much fun preparing the foods i didnt eat lol. hieu's family decided to eat oysters last minute, another food i don't eat. these were fresh oysters though, still in the fisherman's bag with barnacles attached to the shells.

we started off washing them all and either picking off or hacking off the unnecessary bits like small shells or barnacles. i then realized that all those times i walked around in galveston that the "rocks" i stepped on were really washed up oysters -_- ' they were quite dirty from all the mud and still had some moss and seaweed bits attached. some of them were set aside to be raw and others were to be cooked. now here was the interesting bit, either way, the oysters had to be opened. you can imagine a clean oyster in your head and guess where to open it. it's these ones that aren't so perfectly shaped, covered in their calcified shells that gave us a really hard time. we used screwdrivers to shuck the shellls. the uncooked ones were extremely difficult. don't worry though, i didnt stab myself lol. it was actually quite satisfying to see a big oyster (one that i didnt eat of course) be revealed after 15 mins of trying to pry it open. the cooked ones came too easily, although it was a little tricking trying not to get the oyster itself dirty. another intriguing thing i learned however, was that oysters stuck together. often times a big oyster was surrounded and stuck to one or two small ones. of course i showed no mercy and shucked them all. this entry doesn't seem to even come close to describing the amount of fun i had learning a new skill like this. i feel confident now that all i have to do is find out how to obtain these oysters and i'll be set lol.

there is a deeper meaning behind this entry though. there were several other friends who attended the bbq as well. besides one other, no one else volunteered to jump in and help... it bothered me quite a bit actually. i mean you're cracking things open with a screwdriver. i'd say that's pretty fun lol. moreoever, you're helping a family out that's hosting your party... talk about manners. i dont know if it's because they didnt want to get their hands dirty in the beginning. after all, the water turned almost instanteously into galveston water when we rinsed the oysters. i dont know if it's because they didn't like the food, which isn't an excuse because it's not like i ate anything that i opened. i don't know if it's because they were worried they were going to hurt themselves. my left palm has blisters and cuts, my right fingers have cuts all over them, and i broke several of my nails. i forgot to mention we didn't wear gloves like most people would lol. hieu's family has a tendency of lacking tools like a nut cracker to break open crab or lobster haha. in any case, it still wasn't that bad...

my point is, for a bunch of guys, that was pretty inconsiderate and wussy of them. now im not stereotyping. you know why? because they all claim that they are hardcore. and the entire time, they tried to desperately cling onto their last slither of masculinity by making sexist jokes, you know, the "that's what she said" gag that never seems to go out of style, as well as many "classic" others. yes, THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME they were making sexist jokes. funny how they couldn't utter a good argument when i called them out to help instead of just standing their talking their asses off. like i said, im not stereotyping or being sexist. after all, if there was a female (friend, not any of hieu's family members because we should be doing this, not them) there, i would ask for her to help as well or if she wanted to try everything out. and just so you know for sure i'm not just being critical, i expected peter to pick up the screwdriver and hose off the shells, and he did. unlike those "hardcore" guys, he has a lot of skin allergies and im sure he walked away with more rashes that day. but that didn't stop him. he was still going to help and try something new.

for me, nothing is more attractive than for a guy to be knowledeable and willing to teach me a new skill or for him to know nothing about a subject but is willing to get his hands dirty anyway.

that being said, i'm friends with a bunch of sheltered, chicken-wusses. nope, they aren't guys because i don't believe in stereotyping. i do believe in, though, getting out there and learning to do things by your own two hands regardless of whether you're a guy or girl. living in this kind of society will test your limit on how much you can learn because everything is handed to you without question. it's the basic things i think that take us back to our roots and brings ourselves down a notch. you may know how to break down a computer and build it back up again, but i bet you cant break open an oyster.

oh and just as a little highlight. i generally prefer to walk around barefoot, but usually when it's in grass. i'd rather not tread mud into the house and i'm usually too lazy to grab my slippers anyway. a friend had socks on but was too lazy to get his shoes. i offered him my slippers (even though i didn't have socks) and he gladly took them without hesitation. of course they didn't know that i liked to walk around barefoot but i thought it was funny (in a sad way) that he (and apparently the other guys as well since they didn't speak up) thought it was a perfectly normal thing to do, to take someone else's shoes when you yourself don't want to get dirty. and here i thought you're always supposed to do the opposite...

Love and Peace

"Shots, shots, shots!!"

short entry about a pet peeve of mine.

we all know that i'm not much of a drinker. every once in a while i'll enjoy something but rarely do i do so and there are several reasons for this, not just because it's a stigma for me. one is that it makes me too hot. i flush easily even though i've only had a couple of sips. just the genetics i guess. reason two is that it gives me a headache. i guess my drinking experience isn't like everyone else's in that they get some sorta high or relax or whatver. nope, i just get a headache eventually, and no it's not that i get a hangover. it's a i took a couple of chugs and it's been 30 mins, i have a headache. number three is that it's too damn expensive of a habit to get into. and number four, which is my pet peeve, that it's the "cool" thing to do.

whenever groups of my friends or people in general get together, the conversation inevitable involves drinking at some point. it's funny (in a sad way from my perspective) that the conversation finally, at that point, picks up. people get excited and riled up, start contributing. it's as if we can't hold an intelligent conversation with one another and can only talk about this one activity. i suppose it's because drinking is universal as some ppl may say but i believe, as i mentioned earlier, that it's something that ppl think is "cool."

where should we go tonight? to the bar where we can get "shots, shots, shots!" i've read (not heard) this phrase soooo many times. this is my pet peeve. people typing that one phrase in particular because it's cool to drink and announce it to the world. what irritates me is that people don't talk like that (in repeated thirds, if you know what i mean, mean, mean....). it's not like we have a conversation in the car, i mention a bar or some other drinking venue, and someone suddenly busts out saying "shots, shots, shots!" perhaps my narration is a bit exaggerated but u get the gist. this isn't the way the person talks, yet they type it that way to emphasize their familiarity (and therefore knowledge and experience, because you know, experience is always good...) of drinking. yes, this annoys me moreso because the topic is on drinking. but just so you guys know, it still and especially annoys me when people don't type the way they speak in a casual setting (such as twitter, fb, xanga, or what have you). it's like putting up a front for the friends that comprise the online audience.

i've actually metioned to people several times about this "shots, shots, shots!" phenomena and they get mad at me -_- ' now it's not like i confront them and say you're a drunken idiot. it's more of a, "oh, i thought you're always drinking or going to the bar because you posted your phrase of shots and about drinking in general." and there comes the backlash that i assume and i know nothing of what goes on...

it's interesting because when people post things on a social medium, it's for a select few reasons. two of the most common reasons are that one, it's an activity/object that they are deeply interested in, or two, that it's something they want everyone else to see that they're interested in it. and as a side note, a common reason as well is that they think that whatever they post, others will find it amusing. but are you seeing a pattern here? the reasons start to swerve into the direction of how the public views them. so then, ahem... if you don't want people to think that you're always drinking, then why post a phrase (especially one you wouldn't normally say in face-to-face conversation!) like that?

people often want it both ways you know? oh, i'm not a crazy drunkard, i'm just reaaaaally experienced, love to mix drinks, and binge. being two things are once...that's for another post lol. my short post isn't really so short anymore -_- ' but i guess that what happens when i rant.

moral of the story? be honest with yourself. there are some situations in which public opinion counts. i wear business casual attire every day to work now, otherwise people won't take me seriously. however, in front of friends, you don't need to show off, or prove that you're something you're not in order to fit in and look cool. they're you're friends. just be yourself and present yourself in that honest light.

Love and Peace

possibly short entry? haha not too sure so we'll see how this plays out.

this is about "old friends."

the one that i emailed never responded. it was kind of expected. it's either it went straight to spam or that s/he simply deleted it without reading or responding. i'll admit it bothers me a bit because that latter action seems more likely as that is what happened before, leading to a whole situation that resulted from lack of communication. i have a feeling our paths will cross again somehow, some way because the universe is funny like that. i probably wont mention the email, but i'll definitely impart a smile and my customary head nod.

i definitely dont regret the email either. it's something i needed to do to move on, so let me explain. Larry's passing is still an exposed wound, burning every now and then whenever a memory floats to the surface. my mom still talks about him, always in the best light. it's hard sometimes to separate which is actual truth and what is the soul lingering to take back what it lost. i can sometimes tell what's true though and it's during those times that i feel especially foolish... my mom always said to me that larry and i... that all we have is each other, we're family. i dont really believe in the word, and to this day i still have trouble understanding it. our family isn't like a normal family, but i digress. i feel foolish because i was always (and still am to an extent) so stubborn. given that we didnt have the best relationship, but there were good times and i let the bad ones overshadow what i should've seen. yes, this is the regret talking and it isn't healthy but i'm getting to my point...

Larry taught me there are two sides to every coin, that not everything is as it seems. Life is, indeed as you always said, too short. sometimes, no matter how mad you are at someone, how much you scream, how many tears you cry, things wont change with them. then it's a matter of is there anything in that person that you call "a friend" and that it's worth it to stay around (as we all know, this isn't always the case and that's when you pack your bags. the hard part is determining which of the relationships we encounter are worth keeping). i know this because i'm going through this with a current friend. nowadays i don't really hold him/her accountable but instead it's a "i'll see you whenever i see you" mentality. i guess if u wanna see it pessimistically, it's me not setting up the bar, placing expectations. but i think it's more than that. it's turning away and to give them a chance in hopes that maybe they'll surprise you.

this brings me to a situation that may happen on saturday. another "old friend" will most likely be there. it is a big convention so it is hard to tell if we'll actually meet or if s/he will recognize me. i've held this grudge for 4 years and to me, the reasons are still valid. however...people do change. it's not as though i'm thinking to be friends with this person. it's more of a situation to obtain closure similar to the email with the other old friend. i'm not looking forward to meeting this person again and i dont know if i really wanna talk to him/her. it makes me anxious thinking about it. like i said though, the universe works in funny ways... if we meet, we meet. i'll be courteous, answer his/her questions about why i was mad and then, at the end of it all...

I can finally move on.

Love and Peace